A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science.  This new element has been tentatively named “Managerium”.  Managerium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Managerium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Managerium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Managerium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Managerium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Managerium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass”.

You will know it when you see it.*

*I found this a few days ago whilst tidying up my computer. A friend sent it to me several years ago… Some things never change

Genesis 6

12 And the Lord said: “Behold, I shall send a flood over the land, for I am sore weary of this gay marriage thing.

13 Not really.  It’s clearly nothing to do with that, it’s about climate change, though verily that shalt be denied by he who they call the Environment Secretary, for he shall say the badgers did move the goalposts.”

14 And the Lord did go out to a man who they called David of the Camerons, from the Land of Eton, who the people did call No-ideah, for  more often than not he had no idea what to do.

15 And the Lord said unto No-ideah: “Build thee an ark of gopher wood.  Actually, scratch that.  Just spend thee thy days saying thou hast been meeting with Cobra, which doth sound macho but meaneth nothing, while the floods do rise upon the land of the Levels.

16 Visit them not for 40 days and 40 nights, but allow thy briefers to blame the Environment Agency till the cuts do start to be mentioned and the man they call Pickles doth blunder.

17 And thou shalt wait until the floods do fall upon the lands of the Shires, yea, even unto the playing fields of Eton where the gym becometh waterlogged.

18 And only then, finally, shalt thou try and get a grip and shalt say: ‘enough of the blame!’ (for though realiseth thou is getting the blame thouself, thou and not the Environment Agency).

19 ‘Behold,’ thou shalt say, ‘austerity is over! I do suddenly overflow with money so that you may see me as leaderly and not turn your votes away from me’.  And there shall be no mention of the cuts that thou in thy foolishness has imposed on the Environment Agency which has basically caused this mayhem”

20 Thus spoke the Lord.  And through all the floods, George Osborne was never seen in the land.*

So endeth the lesson with additional food for thought…

… from think Defence.

*Received via email

Photo copyright of TAG.

Some of you might recall that the boys take over my living room from time to time so that they can use the floor to play Napoleonic wargames. Before they even get to this point they exchange correspondence with the game umpire so that he knows where their figures are going be placed on the board. They are currently embarked on another campaign and a few days ago I received the following correspondence…

From: General C, commanding VII Corps

To: Madame C

Message Text:

My dearest lady,

I am recently arrived in Toulouse where I have now assumed command of VII Corps as ordered by the Emperor. VII Corps is a fine and powerful force of arms, if a little short of cavalry and sturdy boots. I have just issued orders for the Corps to concentrate in the Perpignan area prior to advancing into Spain. I trust you will wish me every success as I embark upon these endeavours on behalf of Bonaparte.

The route of the march from Toulouse to Perpignan will take me through Carcassonne, which fine walled town I know you cherish. As I pass by the citadel, I shall recall fondly our time enjoying cassoulet and fine wine. I can only hope that thunderstorms similar to the one that engulfed us that one balmy evening do not reoccur.

Yours always,

M.

It would of course have been rude of me not to reply

From: Madame C

To: General C

Message Text:

My Dearest One,

I hope you manage to sort out your cavalry and boot deficiencies and I wish you well in your campaign in support of Bonaparte.

I have fond memories of our times together in that walled citadel.  I have to confess that the storm you mention was not one of the highlights for me, but the warmth indoors after the storm I well remember.

Whilst you are away I shall take comfort in the peaceful atmosphere in Chartres Cathedral, which I know you enjoy so much when you are back in our home town and not campaigning.  I may even walk the labyrinth to calm my thoughts and stop me worrying about the difficulties you may encounter.

My thoughts are with you in these uncertain times.

Ever yours,

C.

PS: I was neither the sender or receiver of this card

I am sure this will be controversial but it made me laugh

You might not have known this, but a lot of inanimate objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:-

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

A university professor came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber once again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The professor was very happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’

Then, a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again said, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.