I received this via email yesterday and everyone had a good chuckle about it.

Enjoy

Anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required, addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks and any lone working undertaken by more traditional shepherds in remote locations.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to mitigate the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that equal opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even Royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work:-

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday

And help me to remember………………………………………………………
When I’m having a bad day and it seems people are trying to wind me up
It takes 42 muscles to frown
18 to smile
and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

PS: for those of you who don’t know me very well, I am only joking

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

A university professor came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber once again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The professor was very happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’

Then, a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again said, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.