12 And the Lord said: “Behold, I shall send a flood over the land, for I am sore weary of this gay marriage thing.
13 Not really. It’s clearly nothing to do with that, it’s about climate change, though verily that shalt be denied by he who they call the Environment Secretary, for he shall say the badgers did move the goalposts.”
14 And the Lord did go out to a man who they called David of the Camerons, from the Land of Eton, who the people did call No-ideah, for more often than not he had no idea what to do.
15 And the Lord said unto No-ideah: “Build thee an ark of gopher wood. Actually, scratch that. Just spend thee thy days saying thou hast been meeting with Cobra, which doth sound macho but meaneth nothing, while the floods do rise upon the land of the Levels.
16 Visit them not for 40 days and 40 nights, but allow thy briefers to blame the Environment Agency till the cuts do start to be mentioned and the man they call Pickles doth blunder.
17 And thou shalt wait until the floods do fall upon the lands of the Shires, yea, even unto the playing fields of Eton where the gym becometh waterlogged.
18 And only then, finally, shalt thou try and get a grip and shalt say: ‘enough of the blame!’ (for though realiseth thou is getting the blame thouself, thou and not the Environment Agency).
19 ‘Behold,’ thou shalt say, ‘austerity is over! I do suddenly overflow with money so that you may see me as leaderly and not turn your votes away from me’. And there shall be no mention of the cuts that thou in thy foolishness has imposed on the Environment Agency which has basically caused this mayhem”
20 Thus spoke the Lord. And through all the floods, George Osborne was never seen in the land.*
So endeth the lesson with additional food for thought…
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